I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
