Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
