my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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