so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
