i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
