if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
