It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
