I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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