Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
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I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
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Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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