Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
