On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
