thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
