thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
