Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
