I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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