Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
