somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
