awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
