My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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