you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
