Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
