The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
