I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
