I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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