I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
