I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Are my feet made of real feet?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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