Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
