I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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