Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
