I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Please don't give away my fajitas
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
