Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
