Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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