I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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