SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
