I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
