I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Randomize
