Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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