I wanna bring you to show and tell
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
