just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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