I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
