I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
