She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
