dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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