mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
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I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
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This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.