I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
