I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
