New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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