Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Watching her eat just hurts me
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
