the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting married
To pizza
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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