don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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