Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
