it wasn't lemon gatorade
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
