if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
my shit smells like andre
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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