I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
organizing the empties. That sober.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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