i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
All the doctor said was why
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
