where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
They took my balls.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
