Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
