Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
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My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
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He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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