Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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