smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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