Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
