Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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