Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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