Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
